twenty-four

1/‎5/‎2011
"and still, through lengthy vigils, stuck in never-drying mud, he was held up by his dreams."
- Sterling

In the stellar vicinity of my young life I have never felt more of an endearing crave for all that is the Earth. The past twenty-four years have maneuvered me through different towns, cities and environments- looking for “home,” all the while falling in love with the unknown as the pilot. I've listened to voices loud and voices soft, living to hear all I can possibly consume, most of the time not digesting information until much later. I feel as if the situations put in front of me- terrifying, terribly consequential, monumentously disheartening and disregardingly joyous, have not only been tests but stepping stones in a skirted recovery.

Eagerly dancing upon the end of twenty-three years alive I am finally able to view a clear path laid in front of me with the most valuable lessons learned:

1. We are spiritual machines with capabilities beyond imagination.
2. Through practice we shape the future and discover our own futures and destinies.
3. The future is now and the only way to survive is with a smile and an openly kind heart.


It was determined through personal and painfully recent life-changing events how exact and definite inner strength is. Generally when using the word "strength," I'm confronted and severely discomforted with its unwavering confusion. Strength is personal. Strength is a vast mystery due to its unknown whereabouts in life- therefore I hesitate to wrap so much into its shades of grey. But in this elected chapter of life, it is what I feel: strong. With this mysterious strength, I have adapted a settling decision- a dire thought- a finale of resolve: I will not let the fuse run out, for it is not an option. Night to day, change is the surprise that barrels and glides full-throttle. And after years of wasteful fighting and obscene discomfort, I have come to finally believe in the baffling and cryptic element of surprise. For it is always surprise, never demise. To finally look at life and see that every movement and bend means something is revolutionary. To me it is not a matter of religion nor hope. Hope is another word too often used to describe a semi-bland overzealous feeling. It is about readiness of the heart. It is about the will to stay tuned into your own mind even when you think it's electric with fear and incompetence.

We are humans. I have come to that conclusion as humans, nature has deliberately fooled us into thinking we need to be the greatest. I have mulled over and suffered through the recognition that there is no such thing. However to argue with such a large thought, I have branched into a cognitive state of awareness of this competitive human nature. To be the greatest is to live gracefully without a trace of hatred. To be open. To be conscious. To hold every situation with enough regard to gain something. The greatest does not offer anything more than the self-awareness of kindness- words that should automatically be coupled. While considering human nature and expectations of overall futuristic paths, I have realized I am not expected to create robotic children with brains to explain everything and consume offices of high regard, but to pour everything good I am- warm blood and warm laughter, into a rushing world surging with beauty. The living proof is love.

All in all, it’s been a fucking rollercoaster. It’s been a trip. It’s been one hell of a tale. That in itself is enough to thrill me for the rest. I’ll keep dreaming with my heart on my sleeve never forgetting vulnerability is key. So let it be made public, front row and center, it’s time to draw the curtains. Cheers to twenty-four.