let the sun shine

fools rush in where only angels fear to tread and so I come to you my love with my heart above my head. though I see the danger here, if there's a chance for me then I don't care. fools rush in where wise men never go, but wise men never fall in love, so how are they to know? when we met was when my life was about to begin, so open up your heart and let the fools rush in.


like a river flows surely to the sea, darling so it goes, some things are meant to be. so take my hand, take my whole life to. for I couldn't help falling in love with you.


2/27/10- PM

I was out of my mind, we were 20,000 leagues under the sea.


11:30pm- Singing in the Rain and Wizard of Oz documentaries on tv. Jamie listening to songs his girlfriend sends him. Dj doing flips on and over the bed with his boxers all up in his butt cheeks. (This may have been the funniest thing I've seen in years.) Then I clogged the toilet. Yep. I had to use a pen to unglog it. Dj goes "call the front desk and tell them you're a big girl with a big problem." Thank you. After hours of laughing, music video making in sepia tones, me tickling jamie too hard resulting in myself being pushed hard and squished between the bed and the wall. Thank you. I swear to the lord those boys can make me laugh harder than anyone and anything. Over nothing! I laid there, bursts and bursts of deep throated laughter erupting. Needed. Much needed. "Dj, lettuce is made up of what.. a.) water or b.) nutrients? Trick question, both. Sucker" -"Goodnight stephanie."


2/28/10-
With all that I've done wrong, I must have done something right to deserve his love every morning and butterfly kisses at night.


8:00am- an hour of bon iver going off, I guess I'll shower. I put elvis on and hop in. You'd think i'd start to cry but I can't. Everyone's up, I'm getting yelled at for hogging the mirror and making stupid comments. (I do admit my brain has been pretty mushy lately.) McDonalds, ok, I'll have a few hash browns and coffee. You boys have 7 meaty greasy mcnasties. I check dad and floralyn's blog and with great delight he's doing much better today. We get to the hospital and alarmingly see a smiling face and those kind brown eyes staring back willing to enjoy the day. We talk, we give some back and head rubs - dad's favorite - coincidentally mine as well. God I love a head rub. Better than sex. Maybe. Papa asks the boys to leave the room because he needs to talk to me. "Now nonny, I want to talk to you about some serious stuff. I know you love your daddy more than anyone and I want you to know I love and want you around me. But living in southern missouri won't be such a treat. You can't party, you won't have anyone around, floralyn's moody, it won't always be great. But I want you. How do you feel?" I tell him of course I want him to. So that's the plan. March 15th or 16th, whenever we drive down for spring break, I'm moving in. I'll get the apartment off the garage and I'll take care of my papa. "There's not a girl who loves her dad more." I'm gonna call truth on that one. I'm scared. Not of the isolation, not of missing my friends (dubuque, waverly and all the fresh decorah faces I already truly love) but seeing my papa go through hell. He needed dj and chris to help him get into bed, he walked ok, but standing up too straight hurts. He also always have to have bags connected to him to drain his pancreas. I'm in for a lot. A lot being a pure implied understatement. I told dad it's going to be good to get healthy without drinking and smoking. (He said for sure the smell of smoke will make me repel him.) I'll have a pack for late night stress and drinks every once in awhile but it's true, I do need to get healthy. I told him it'd be nice to lose weight as well..he replied with a chuckle, "oh you'll lose weight. There's lots of work to be done. I'll teach you how to drive the tractor." It's things like that I'm looking forward to. I want to hold out my hands and soak up all the light I can. Warm sunshine, books, eating out of the garden. I'll get lonely, but I'm so lucky to be the one to be the one with him. He assures me I can leave whenever I want. That's obviously to be determined. I'm we're walking around, we're joking with nurses. Dad actually hits us with some quips. It's hard to have such a hard day yesterday and such a positive one today, but we'd be horrible animals to let it slip by. We watched a car-salesmen movie on the way to st. louis and we put it in for dad. Something about hearing the words "mother fucker" over and over in a hospital room full of perrys does something. Papa's not quite laughing but he's really enjoying it. We say our goodbyes with a few tears. Let me explain my dad a bit: he hugs dj- a very strong loving goodbye. Hugs jamie a little longer, tears up. Hugs chris, moves his head but with a smile says "ok I don't want your germs." Then he hugs keith, rubs his arm and says "thank you so much for taking care of everyone." I'm last, just looks at me says "what's your mental state nonny? I see that look on your face." I just look at him and say "well, a lot." He replies, "that was a flare of humor stephanie." Leave it to him. Love it.

2, 3ish pm- departure from st. louis. Not without another starbucks stop (fuck you starbucks) walmart (fuck you walmart.) Gas station bathroom smells like cinnamon candy. I announce that as I walk in. Who cares if there's anyone in there. Car ride: crammed like sardines, jamie on his laptop uploading another 100 pictures we took, dj reading "big success," chris secretly smoked some hitters (thanks for making me your alliance chrispin) and is very happy to be watching a movie on the dvd player up front. Keith's chugging coffee, driving and laughing loudly at the movie. I have my headphones on and found some pringles. I've probably gained 10 lbs this trip. No, but I feel like it. 3 meals a day will do that. Ha. If only I was lindsey lohan.


4:19pm- "I fucked a girl without nipples once." -"I really like small pink nipples." no no no no